i have spent the last two weeks sicker than a dog. this same thing happened around this time last year, coincidentally being the first year i lived in baltimore, md. i think this place is actually rotting me from the inside out. most people say it’s the traffic, some say it’s the people, or even the state itself. i have to say, now on my nearly second full year of living here, that it’s everything. i have never been more pale, more dirty, more stressed and more disgusting in my life than these two years living here.

on top of the yearly ailments, the healthcare system here (and i imagine everywhere in the u.s. right now) is so backed up that any time i’ve needed to receive care it’s been a half to a nearly all day affair. and if it weren’t for the certain benefit of my occupation i would be drowning in a mildly sized amount of medical debt. and that’s not all. i have gained weight, gained enemies and an insane amount of spite. so my question is:

does living in a highly populated urban city steal your soul?

sometimes i find myself believing that living in isolation where you must produce everything you eat, live and function with on your own is what makes you hard to swallow, like tough meat. but then there is the long understood trope of the cold and resilient city folk that can’t seem to shut up about nyc and other similar urban environments. those woeful people who deal with the illness of infrastructure and blatant corporate abuse of the population on a daily basis. sure a night alone on an open and unending desert in a shanty with no wifi, food or fire conveniently available outside of procuring the former yourself might kill your average urbanite, but, the same is true for watching some out of touch good ol’ boys navigating any sort of public transportation system. so which is it?

is my body simply revolting the idea of having to drive a minimum of 20 minutes to get to any place at any point and time? the constant noise? insane prices? lack of quality in any service or food? complete absence of neighborly affection? watching at least one person a day blatantly litter? seeing too many dead animals on the side of the interstate? paying a toll to go from one end of a city to the next only to see it’s not being used for any sort of beneficial infrastructure? bge bills increasing? developing back pain from being in the car so often? or am i just being a little bitch?

let me know. i need answers.